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My mom asked when is the last time I created something. It feels like forever. I've only ruminate and half ass started projects to only finish them 3 years from now. I would love to complete something. She once said creating is my therapy and she's right. But like everything else I enjoy, it's hard to get motivated to complete the process.
I went on a bit of a spending spree the past few weeks. It makes me nervous. What am I trying to hide from? What feelings am I really trying to feel? Short lived burst of excitement and I already know won't last. Am I hypomanic without realizing? At least most of the things are items I've been eyeing for months and not complete impulses. But damn I really don't make the same money as I used too.
Sometimes I feel like he finds me more annoying than anything else these days. I've been depressed too long.I'm all bark and no bite. I don't remember how to be honest. So I reach for any crumb I can get to prove he still wants me. Luckily, I still get crumbs daily.
I hate that I can't tell when a new med is working. I started this new ned in April and been ramped up to the full dose prescribed for over a month and I can't see any improvement. My speech patterns seem worse and my skin is so fucking dry all the time. My horrible sleeping habits and lack of motivation feels exactly the same.
I took a week off from work and I got barely anything planned done besides physically being a the places I planned to be (ie: my friend's kid (aka my niece)'s b-day party & my moms house). This is the longest I've taken off since I started working full time again. I always hated how much time I need to just do nothing. While I don't feel the guilt of capitalism breathing down my neck, I do want to do nice enjoyable things for myself instead of just sleeping and playing interactive fiction in the dark @ 3 am.
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